Gift : The Beginning of a Deep Journey

Gift : The Beginning of a Deep Journey

by | Feb 25, 2017 | Alternative, Parenting, Visible


In 2013 I was invited to Giftival, a gathering of 40 people from around the world engaging in gift culture or gift economy or giftivism as it is often called. This was in Istanbul and my LO was not yet 2 years old.
I had only recently heard of gift culture at the Learning Societies UnConference at United Mahindra World College in Pune and something about it just took hold of me. I cannot say what or why, but it was some kind of tug. I didn’t however feel worthy of being in the company of people who had been practicing gift culture as a way of life for years. It didn’t seem fair to others. What could I have to contribute I thought, besides sharing and facilitating world folk dances which are such a beautiful energy sharing experience.  Yet I trusted there was something in this call that was beyond me and made the trip.
Giftival opened with a story told by the deeply talented Judith Liberman, with the accompaniment of the most magical sounding musical instrument I’ve heard.

The story of  two identical tables laden with food of the most delightful and desirable kind.  Around it were hungry people. However they all had no elbows, and at the end of their stick like arms were spoons. In one place there was anger and frustration and resentment, because they could not eat. By the other table, there was joy and delight. The reason was simple, the people on the happy table were feeding each other.
The impact of this story on me will last a lifetime. It would not have been the same had there been an announcement of what gift culture is and what important work we have gathered to do etc etc etc… This story and meeting Judith also started me on my journey as a storyteller. It was so seamless actually, just like meeting my husband. No fuss, just a smooth flow of feeling at home.
There were lots of books and discussions and experiments and experiences of people and i just soaked them in, thinking, absorbing, processing.  We discussed gift as both being able to give and being able to receive and many of us realized while we are comfortable with giving, we aren’t comfortable with receiving. We discussed the creation of money, the purpose, our relationship with it, whether it was something the world could do away with. There was an american anthropologist who had been studying gift culture in ancient cultures. She spoke of motherhood as a gift, in fact parent-hood as a gift and how patriarchy had robbed men of their instinct to nurture, focussing only as providing as their gift. There were 2 of us who were mums with our babies around.
As someone who had lost all contact with my pre-motherhood world, no moonlight group meditations, no salsa dancing with kids not welcome in most social settings, this was really a gift. The other lady was from Tamera in Portugal, where they were a conscious community working with healing water and other amazing inner growth stuff. We were both nursing mothers and nursed our babies on demand through the 6 hour a day unconference. It felt so good to just be accepted for whatever your role is in that moment.
There was Munir Fasheh from Palestine who spoke of the word gift in Arabic and its many meanings and contexts. There was Shammi Nanda who spoke of Non-Violent Communication and gift from that perspective. There were people building eco-friendly homes and offering to be paid in gift and living like that. It was really tough, but they had the courage to do this. There was Manish Jain from Swaraj University, where you could study even if you couldn’t give fees. There was Charles Eisenstein who wrote Sacred Economics.  There was Aysegul who had set up Zumbara, a time bank. These were amazing people and many times in the day I wondered why I was there, but I was also very grateful I was there.

One day we had people from the local community come visit and interact. It was rather crowded and Sivaanaa was a bit overwhelmed I took her into a little room where she napped and when she woke, we joined the discussions.  She climbed a chair and leaned back. I had the inclination that she might fall, but I wanted her to learn to take risks and find a space of trust in herself, so I watched carefully but didn’t give her any warnings.  Suddenly the chair toppled over and she fell down. She hurt her head and began to cry. I walked to her and carried her in my arms, hugged her tight and just held her.  It seems this sparked a big discussion in Turkish. I couldn’t understand what was being said, but I knew it was about us. I took Sivaanaa to the other room and hugged and chanted her to serenity. Later I found out the discussion was about how a Turkish mum (and their culture is so similar to ours) would have panicked and said said a lot of words. They were suddenly discussing motherhood as a gift it seems. They were amazed at what they saw. For me it was obvious. The child is hurt. Its ok to cry. I just need to witness her emotion and let her know I’m there for her. Really simple acknowledgement.
I hadn’t seen motherhood as a gift, till now, but I realized in the end, so much of who we are is because of how we were raised. It shapes our relationship with ourself and others and so how we raise our kids is really a big gift to them, to ourselves and the world. As Swami Vishnu, the founder of the Sivananda tradition says, all we need for peace in the world is to find peace within ourselves.
At the end, I just felt gift was not something to strive towards. It was to be who you are. Some flowers are fragrant, some are beautiful, some are creepers, theres a gift in their existence because they are who they are….true to what they are.
I moved on to London and later to Mumbai. Giftival had been beautiful but it wasn’t life altering like yoga or vipassana. There was still that feeling that it was a preparation for something. I let it be.
Back in India, many months later, after having time to ponder this gift stuff, I decided to offer a yoga class in the spirit of gift. This was at a beautiful studio of a beautiful fellow yogi Sheetal and his wife Khushi, who had converted their home into an Urban Ashram, a space that was always hosting wonderful facilitators and learning experiences. So I offered a 2 hour workshop on Surya Namaskaar, covering the alignment, the breathing, the philosophical aspect and the surya mantras.  At the end there was a box where people could put their gift offerings.
When I sat to meditate before facilitating the yoga class, as I always do, so I can empty myself and be a channel for the higher energies, I found myself wondering about money.How much would we charge for this workshop were it a paid one, given my experience etc etc. I wondered how much people would contribute and how that total would feel to me.  I thought of my friends at giftival who travelled and created eco-friendly homes for people, thats hard manual work and not knowing  what they would receive as remuneration (and this was out of choice.) I realized somewhere I was pegging my self worth to money. I decided I didn’t want to contaminate my giving experience. I would not keep the money. Futhermore, I didn’t want to know how much money there was in the box at the end of the class. I just wanted to give and thats what i would do.
The class was full of gurus grace. I must write another post on the beauty of the Sivananda practice and how it changed me from sceptic left brained to flowing in grace. I gave the money to my friends to use for any cause and it felt amazing. This class was offered in gift, not as social work, not as charity…..and there is much to ponder in these words and acts.
There is something sacred about gift and the journey had only just begun.
A Silent Retreat With My Kid Around

A Silent Retreat With My Kid Around

by | Feb 2, 2017 | Alternative, Parenting, Visible

 

 

There was a raging storm inside of me. So many thoughts, so many possibilities, so many questions, so much churning. It seemed that my home, my temple, my sanctuary was blasted with gusts of outbursts and drama. I was battling enough my confusion, the fog that the physical location of my life brought to the project through which i felt most need to manifest my life purpose of facilitating joy and love. I felt spent having talked about, debated, sought advice and meditated and then my vain attempts at surrender.

Having just returned from India, having a house guest, missing my space, the joy of seeing the ocean and missing the happy buzz of Halla Gulla, setting up home again, getting back to routine it was all a bit too overwhelming and disorienting.Then everyday watching messages and e-mails of opportunities we couldn’t take up because I wasn’t in Mumbai. After a while my heart grew heavy. I missed the joy of giving  that comes to me from live interaction.

The day after Christmas, I woke up feeling the desire to be quiet. It was just natural, not planned. If I could have planned I would have gone to the Sivananda Ashram in the nearby Bahamas, but I could not, and I really didn’t feel up to traveling after a hectic India trip, so I just sent my husband at text explaining I wished to be in silence for a few days and could he support me please. He said yes and things flowed.

Our daughter is 5 and very expressive and with a strong need for communication and she couldn’t quite get it. I saw that it was challenging for her, yet I felt strongly to honor the call of my soul. So i communicated in sign language. I was still accessing e-mails and whats app in a disciplined manner.  Our LO did ok, meditating with me and us sharing lots of intimate hugs and eye gazing that ended in smiles or giggles. Inside I continued to be a witness to my thoughts, watching them without the colors of anyones opinion or advice.

Still it was intense for the LO.I hadn’t decided how long I was gng to remain silent, I was just going with the flow of my souls need. I arranged playdates for her via text with friends who would understand my silence.

Addressing a meltdown in silence
One day however, her swimming teacher didn’t come. S loves her swimming class and her swimming teacher, who is the most positive encouraging person. The two of them share a lovely bond and greet each other and thank each other in Swahili and Hindi respectively. I love watching them and give thanks for the gift of such a lovely teacher. S burst into tears. With all this silence she was looking forward to the swimming to have fun and let go and so she just let the floodgate of tears open. I hugged her and kissed her and acknowledged her feelings with my eyes and sign language? It was not enough.

I wondered if i should speak. But what point. My mind raced…and I knew nature would solve this for us. So I managed to get her into the car. Taking a packet of bread along we drove to a pond nearby. She was crying  inconsolably. I carried her from the car to the pond and took a piece of bread and threw it in the water. Soon there was life . The hickatees (like turtles) came in , few first then a whole bunch of them.  She suddenly got excited about who was going to get the bread and forgot to cry. Then there were the baby tadpole like fish that create designs as they reach for crumbs and make the water jump sometimes. there are the carps and there are the red beaked ducks who glide past indifferent to the buzz the bread has created and leave a V shaped wake of water behind. She fed the tickets, shooed the roosters and hens away and was enraptured  by nature. We stayed there for 20 minutes or so in silence, each of us watching what most appealed in any given moment. There were large flying stalk like birds that came and went and reflections in the water and the sun changing position. Suddenly there was a drizzle of rain, refreshing and beautiful. We smiled, hugged and went home.

 

Hickatees popping their heads up for food[/caption]

Hickatees Close up

Nature and play to heal myself and my child
While I was honoring my own need for silence and clarity, I also wanted to honor S need for play and togetherness. I had recently chanced upon the most beautiful swing in the world. A tree that dies, gives life after death. The picture will say all there is to say!

So I took S to this beautiful swing by the sea and I my husband came along too. Me in silence, them chatting.  She was thrilled with the swing. Her heart needed more and after a while, she was not happy with swinging alone.  She craved intimate play. So we gathered some beachy treasures and created a world. Its amazing communicating in silence, understanding what the other is saying, where they want to place an object and how we communicate our creative vision.

Kind of clues you in on  a deeper level. But she wanted play, like physically play..so I looked on the wet sand and began to make different types of footprints. Walking like a penguin, a duck, walking zig jag, jumping, drew a line with a stick and jumping on either side. This was so much fun for her. She made some of those up and I followed along. It was really the  most creative time on the beach. We began to notice doggie paw prints on the sand and bird claw prints ….just a world out there! Jumping facing one way and then another footprints[/caption]

Criss cross, zig zag walk footprints

Heel walk footprints

How I procured a wooden crate in a liquor store without talking
Some asked how I went about the business of the day without talking. I went to buy S a wetsuit at the diving store. I smiled, pointed, indicated her age with my fingers and communicated entirely in sign language. Its amazing how nice people are and even more when they think you have a disability. The saleswoman was just so helpful.
Another day I went to a liquor store to ask for a wooden wine crate I wanted to repurpose into a Kabaad Se Jugaad bookshelf. I typed on my phone. I walked in with a big smile and showed the cashier my request. the whole store came to help. They didn’t have one, but one guy said his mother worked at another store and she would arrange it. He wrote a note for me to give his mother. I went to her store and got the crate.
All along it was beautiful…..really deeply beautiful in a way you don’t experience in the normal world. This beauty you can’t experience in a retreat, a vipassana, an ashram, because there you know most who come re coming to seek, are positive. here in the real world, experiencing the welcome giving of a liquor store salesperson is just such a gift.  the Divine Intelligence shines through all levels of consciousness. Truly! I rust that one day I can keep this in sight through my interactions with the one or two people that challenge me!

“Mamma, I miss hearing your voice”
One day S said to me , “Mamma, I miss hearing your voice”…so from that day on, every night when we give thanks to the universe, I would give thanks aloud. I also told her I’d  read her a story everyday with no conversation before or after.
And did I mention a moonlight walk on the beach with my husband where I wasn’t talking. Must have been bliss for him! lol!

Mindfulness walk to bring in the new year
I’ve been hosting a stone soup gathering once a month in my home. For the 1st of January i sent out a mail inviting people to a darkness into sunrise mindfulness walk at 7 mile Beach, which is such a beautiful beach.  We went at 6 a.m when it was dark and walked in silence until 7 when the sun rose. We had 2 kids among us, who found their own silent communication and play. The dark water turned to its beautiful blue as the sun rose and it felt like time to speak again. I came to, feeling rejuvenated and with such amazement at the gifts that a silent retreat  while living in the heart of life can bring.

I didn’t find the answers to the questions i had, but in silence, I found the most unexpected beautiful gifts and such deep connection with my LO.

Is this something you would do with your child? I’d love to know.

Offbeat Rhythm: Solace for mother and babys soul

Offbeat Rhythm: Solace for mother and babys soul

by | Oct 12, 2014 | Parenting, Visible

In my previous post Rhythm for your child’s soul, I extolled the virtues of keeping routine and schedule, of the breathing in phases of concentration and the breathing our phases of exploration, discovery and letting go. To be brutally honest, the last 3 months have been very offbeat for us.
It started with the LO starting school, a new place, new personalities, staying away from each other for the first time…..a recipe for being overwhelmed! Once she seemed to “settle” into school, my inner self went on an over drive. Suddenly I had “me” time! WOW! I had planned to go to the spa, catch up with friends over chai and what not! So much for pre-school day dreams. Instead the ideas that had been floating in my mind decided to demand to be manifest. Add to that tons of pending paperwork, mundane but essential things like correcting my parents names on my birth certificate! In India this meant 5 trips to the local BMC office (thank God I stay close to where I was born) between 2-4 in the afternoon, bang in the  middle of the LO’s siesta time. Co-ordinate with my mum, cos that particular BMC office administers meds to TB patients so not too safe to take the LO there. LO is still insecure from us leaving her at school, so insists on coming along and waiting in the car  with my mum while I get my work done). I’m not going to type more about just how offbeat the last 3 months have been!
What I am going to share though are what gets me through them, simple stuff in no order of importance. Its a tool kit, to pick what one feels is calling at that moment in time.
Bach Flower Remedies: I had heard of these years ago, but I resisted. Why do I need flower essences to help ‘cope’. Meditation is all one needs, staying with the breath till it feels better and clarity appears. The most elusive of all needs, since having a baby, to me has been meditation. I’m not talking the 1 hour pranayama and chanting I used to do. I’m just talking about a small and humble need to sit and watch my breath as it deepens! It was a cold rainy day in London. It was dark outside. The LO was cutting her back molars. Nothing could soothe her. I don’t do well in dreary weather, it gets my sinuses acting up and that can shake the core of my patience. All she wants to do is nurse. All I want to do is sleep and have some physical space. So I cry and she cries cos im crying and she says please don’t cry and I can’t hold back the tears because I get all dramatic and wonder when this kid is ever going to stop nursing etc etc. I check the time. My lovely homeopath in  India will not be available right away. I recall a conversation with my parenting mentor  Effath Yasmin about Rescue remedy. There’s a Boots pharmacy just across the street and my husbands office is 2 blocks away. So I call him and ask if he could pick up Rescue remedy. 10 minutes later we have both taken a dose. I still feel pushed to my limit, but not physically overwhelmed by it. She calms down too. We both sleep. I now carry a rescue remedy spray with me. Its useful in a state of sudden shock, overwhelming physical or emotional times etc. There are a number of remedies for different situations, so it would be worthwhile to consult with a bach flower specialist to find out which remedy would best suit your needs. When the LO started school, my LC and parenting mentor Yasmin recommended Walnut to deal with change. We both took it, since mother-child are treated as one entity at this age. It was immensely helpful. Did we not miss each other? Did it take the anxiety away? My daughter was still missing me, but the physical manifestations of that were minimised. She was clearly expressing through words and actions that she missed me immensely. However there was a peacefulness, like we were in the process and watching it. We were watching it happen within us and between us, knowing that it would pass. Rescue cream is great for treating mosquito bites, cuts, burns and any minor physical injuries.
Lavender Essentail Oil and Massage : I have always found Lavender essential oil to be soothing. It is also great for treating pimples etc. Beats raw garlic anyday and smells better than tea tree oil. I read and experienced adding lavender to baby’s bath water  helped a lot. Even now, we sometimes massage her during prolonged periods of ‘offbeat” rhythm. Massaging the soles of the feet is very relaxing, as is the back of the ear. See Triple Warmer Meredian for increasing energy and Third eye point for relaxing and inducing sleep when you or your LO is over tired and unable to sleep.
Comfort food: Yes, we all have comfort foods. For me its khichdi. For the LO I set it early as cinnamon oats. It can be made in 5 minutes, is healthy and comforting. All I do is cook oats in water and when its done, add a good helping of cinnamon powder. Anyone who has lived in a cold country knows how soothing cinnamon buns or cinnamon on hot chocolate can be. Cinnamon also has lots of therapeutic qualities. Dr Sears of attachment parenting fame, recommends giving either raw cinnamon or turmeric or both to increase immunity. Though the LO is still nursing, which is the best immunity builder, introducing cinnamon earlier was my way of ensuring that once she weans, she finds cinnamon palatable and enjoyable. We did the same with tulsi leaves, introducing them raw early on. I’m hoping to have another post on food sometime.
Repetitive Music: Yes music is soothing, but repetitive music adds rhythm to an offbeat day. If you look at the science behind chanting or hymns, in addition to the  vibration of the sounds, it is the rhythm that ensues from repetition that is calming. You will find that even people who chant without being completely present are not easily able to stop chanting. Its that repetitive rhythm. That’s also a reason why people like trance, it gets you into a rhythmic funk. We play at lot of chants at home, but a few have been regularly used for the rhythmic purpose. When we are at loggerheads with each other, which happens often, because both the LO and I have similar personalities and are ticked off by the same things, I stop talking, reasoning, shouting….whatever…drop, breathe and put on a chant. If its evening, its always over mood lighting and incense. Our favourite tracks are Om by Nadaka, Govinda Hare by Krishna Das and Tulsi’s Bliss by David Newman.
Kangaroo Care, Skin to Skin & Nursing: This is not only for an infant. Baby wearing is soothing to a toddler as well. And skin to skin as well. As for nursing, I’m always being told off for still nursing, and though I’m very convinced abut baby led weaning, I have had some very strong moments and phases of wanting my body to myself. I finally decided to stop any attempts at weaning when I had the experience I am about to share. One night before sleeping (The LO only nurses to fall asleep and any additional feeds are limited to intense periods of offbeat rhythm.) I asked her why she likes du-du (a baby name for milk)  so much. She unhesitatingly looked into my eyes and said “Mama, because it gives me lots of peace”. My eyes moistened and I know it can only be baby led weaning. Just imagine, she doesn’t want toys or whatever else kids want at this age. All she wants for peace is free and truly divine nectar. That said, I totally understand each woman’s personal decision to nurse or wean, however with the pace of my life I think it would be incredibly difficult for me without the “peace” nursing provides to us both. As a funny aside, its the easiest way to help them quieten up!
I would love to hear from you how you find solace with your baby too! Do leave a message/comment and if you enjoyed it do share the post with family and friends.

Parenting 2.5.0

by | Aug 14, 2014 | Parenting

They tell you that once you have a decent job and get married, you will be ‘settled’. Then they tell you you will only be really settled once you have kids. I was always critical of the settled business, though I can see value in the concern of those that talk about it. Even if you have a child, like my husband and I, when you truly feel ready, have been a party-holic, travel –holic and how can I forget work-a-holic and know you’ll have no regrets because you lived your life fully and don’t feel an ambitious desire for position, lifestyle or keeping up with the Joneses, the roller-coaster will only start after the LO arrives. This is not a complaint or judgment on parenting, its an observation on learning, and growing and most of all on integrating.
I’m sharing a little of my journey, as one of the possibilities to parenting, hoping it may provoke, inspire, help or just provide an interesting read.
I had decided before I even met my husband that I would like to raise any kids I had with the same dedication I gave to studying so I could max my grades. It amazes me most of us spend at least 20 years of our life amassing “skills” to get a “good” job and absolutely almost no time to learning skills for marriage or more importantly parenting, which is a lifetime commitment! It hasn’t been easy but learning the skills (thank you Effath Yasmin and practicing them has made it happily possible. I try not to allow for space for sentences such as “ I just don’t have the patience” or “ I just can’t handle it”. How limiting a belief is that! Can I not trust myself more than that? We can stay back in office to finish a task we have no interest in because its expected of us and there’s that bonus or promotion being dangled like a carrot. But our infants have no expectations of us. They just are and love us no matter what we do. (What accommodating blessed souls!) So we just don’t work at it, most of us!
For the first 18 months, I just kept to a routine. That gives babys much security and comfort. I nursed on demand, introduced her to whole foods of all textures and flavours, read to her, chanted everything pretty much on a time schedule. That’s what I believe prepared me to transition into what I envisioned as the next step, finding a daily balance between my needs and hers. The trust having been built, after 18 months we began travelling again, trips abroad, hikes with baby in a backpack, getting back to plurk (work that’s play) and many of the things I loved to do before she came along.
Her early solid foods of steamed carrots and ripe sticks of muskmelon and watermelons and beets and bell peppers prepared her to identify and enjoy each foods natural abundant flavor. It also made for a great easy to travel with baby. I can just buy carrots and bell peppers and avocados and beets and wash them with water from my bottle and know my little one will make a meal of them. Same with fruits because she never was offered anything mashed. What about choking? Well just youtube first aid for infant choking….its that simple and really their body intelligence and reflxes are top of the line till you put fear in and mess with them. And did i mention No sugar…just jaggery and dates and honey. I learnt during my stint with gestational diabetes that even rice is sweet (yes i know this from experience). Its all in honing the taste buds.
More to come soon……